Tales of life and art. Theater, knitting, music, and pottery (and anything else I feel like writing about)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Butterfly.. But some days are better than others.

In May, I ended a 14 year relationship. It was time. We still love each other and probably always will given the time and history involved.. We just weren't IN love anymore. That and there were other problems. In some ways, maybe it shouldn't ever have gotten off the ground, but it did, and I don't have regrets about it. He never really "swept me off my feet" as the saying goes, and I guess I had convinced myself that that was a Hollywood/fairytale convention and didn't really exist... But I saw the looks friends and relatives gave each other on their wedding days.. And I didn't have that.. I knew I didn't have it, but thought there were other things about the relationship that made it good.. Was I "settling"? Perhaps. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, he loved me, and continues to love me but not fully in ways that I needed. We both have our issues and from that were not as good of a match as we could have been.

During the time we were rehearsing for the show earlier this year (seems like ancient history now), I started seeing parts of myself I hadn't seen for YEARS. Decades almost. Feelings, and things about me.. And I wondered where they had been, since I'd forgotten or hadn't really noticed they had left. Basically, I was realizing I was unhappy, but hadn't really known that I wasn't happy. I was stagnant and complaisant.. I started to realize that there was probably more out there for me...

I was torn, tormented by these feelings. I had a 14 year relationship to assess. WAY longer than a lot of marriages these days... I sill loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I needed to do what was best for me. I spent a good two months trying to get my head around it. The rollercoaster that was my emotional state was overwhelming at times. I did a lot of avoiding him, not knowing what to say, since I wasn't ready to discuss it, and needed to have a "plan" in case he walked out the day it was addressed. Financials were probably the scariest part. Can I make it on my own financially?

In the end, it got brought to light by a present he brought me. He was never a present for no reason sort of guy. I didn't mind that, but this out of character gift at this moment kinda put me over the edge. See he knew something was up because of the way I'd been acting, but didn't fully know what, hoping it wasn't him, but thinking it probably was... In essence he'd had time to prepare. (Since it wasn't the total shock to him that I was preparing for..) Anyway, it started the discussion, that ultimately a week later brought on the break.

We're still friends, right now we're still roommates (although he is on the couch now) there is some awkwardness since post-breakup he has already started seeing one of my "friends." (that is another story which I'm not going to broach here.. It isn't messy, it has helped me move on.. But I don't want to deal with her right now.) We have an estimated date for him to move and that is where most things stand right now.

I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon..and that I've been living under a rock for who knows how long.... This event has totally brought to light my flaws, and things I need to work on about myself, I'm a perfectionist, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard, and from that, I beat up on myself mentally. I realize that now. So I was probably not the easiest person to live with given his own personal baggage and issues. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to discover how I got to this point, and trying to find some confidence and self-worth.. Especially for this scary next phase I'm going into. And how to live and deal with it. Basically I REALLY want to get healthy for the next chapter for me. SO I can have a healthy foundation for the next relationship, whenever that may arise.

I have learned a lot over the last month or so.. A lot about me, a lot obout WHO my friends are, and that I have lots of friends and that by and large, People do like me.. People like me in ways I had no idea about. Some of them have been extraordinary in helping me get to where I am now. I'm far from healed, but am worlds better than I was even two weeks ago. And with that, I'm kinda finding out about myself in the process, and that I am worthwhile. And for that I'm quite thankful.

Some of the things various people have told me about myself or how they perceive me include: (and these are all from different people)

Warm Spirited (two people)
Classy Bitch (have to understand the symmentics of this one.. He means bitch in the woman sense, not in the Bitchy sense..)
A Lady (this was meant not just as a name for a woman.)

The last three I knew but it was nice to hear.. The others though.. Some of them threw me for a loop, (Gorgeous???!?!?!) but have helped me get to a better place... That yes there are people who care about me.. I've had several people give me "mom" advice.. (even had one give me a condom lecture for when I do start dating again.. LOL) and I've started to believe some of it for myself... Even that I can be and am gorgeous.. So this butterfly is emerging for the next phase not without bumps in the road still.. But we're getting there..


Blogger peri said...

I want to comment - but what to say? It must have been a really tough step and I admire your courage. I hope you find what you need for the next stage of your journey. {{{hugs}}}

Peri x

4:37 AM

Blogger Trillian42 said...


Honey, you are an amazing, warm, lovely woman. You deserve to be happy. He was a good guy, but if he wasn't The One, that's not a flaw in you (OR in him) - it's just one of those things.

9:38 AM


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