Checking in...

Okay, so it is April, and I haven't posted sine December... I *thought* the worst was over, and in a way it is; but in January everything sort of all started sinking in at once. I had a lot of things go down last year, some I had control over, some I didn't, but the bottom line is that they happened. It is a lot to deal with. So I've been taking things one day at a time.

I ended up auditioning for a new musical thinking I needed to be around people, and I wanted to be involved but didn't want a big part, because I knew I wasn't focused enough for anything larger. I ended up with three small parts. I was right about not being able to handle anything larger, but in the end, we got through it. That show closed last weekend, and we are scheduled to do an original cast recording next week, which is super cool, especially for me being the Musical Theatre geek that I am.

One of my "best friends" (for lack of a better term for him right now) threw me a surprise party for my birthday, which was really nice, and there was a great turnout for it, and a number of people have told me they were sorry they couldn't make it. It was really nice, and unexpected (hence the "surprise" part...) The next day I had a Dr's appointment, which turned into 6 days of being poked with needles amongst other things (the timed bleed test was the worst). Turns out my platelets were low, dangerously so. Part of that 6 day stint, was 3 out patient day treatments at the hospital to get my platelets back up, and on the last day, they were up in a "normal range." they are still monitoring me, and at last check they were down again, but not dangerously so, but there were factors at play that didn't make the Dr surprised they were down.. so more monitoring before the medicine can be pulled back. I feel fine. I felt fine before, I was just bruising really easily and I don't tend to bruise, and I had red spots all over me, especially on my legs, I later learned were called "petechiae." I could tell the treatment was working when they started disappearing. Scary stuff. But they have been able to eliminate some of the more serious potential causes, so that is a silver lining.

Spring is here, and the outlook is good, much better than last year at this time at least. I'm looking forward to Summer and seeing friends, and maybe doing some traveling. I bought tickets to a U2 concert in the fall... so that is definitely something to be looking forward to.

are we there yet?

Wow... yeah... it's been a year... strangely enough I feel pretty good. My head feels clearer than it has in a really long time. But first, let me update you on the last three months.. since I haven't blogged since October..

The night of the Vice-presidential debate, October 2, I went over to a friend's house to watch it, as I don't have TV right now, and he had T-voed it.. while I was there I ended up asking him to the Michael Bublé concert I think I mentioned in a previous post. He agreed and we went to the concert the following evening.. it turned out to be a nearly perfect first date.. we've been friends for nearly 3 years, but I'm still learning about him, and he really surprised me that night.. we've been dating ever since... taking things slowly.. which is really nice.. During October we attended a lot of plays and a fundraiser for our local arts center. Towards the end of the month, I was told that my father's chemo had stopped working, so I took a few days and went up to see him. Early November brought performances of a show I'd been in rehearsal for, and shortly after that closed was Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was hard. My father seemed much weaker than he had even a couple of weeks earlier, and that saddened me. Mom thought it best if I stay in a motel rather than at the house, which was probably better for my psyche, but I'm not sure if it was better for my dad or not.. that weekend while at a movie with a friend, (My dad had taken to going to bed as early as 7 pm) I fell going up the aisle to the restroom during the movie.. I wiped out.. faceplant and all.. my upper arm took the brunt of the fall, and fortunately it was nearing the end of the film.. I didn't realize how much pain I was in.. and once I'd returned to the theatre from the restroom, didn't pay a lot of attention to the film, and probably nearly passed out.. but didn't.. I went straight to the store afterwards and bought frozen peas to go on it since they don't puddle like ice does.. drove home the next day..

A week later, while I was carrying laundry downstairs to wash, I fell down about half my staricase, because my arm was still hurting me, I tried not to injure it further by landing on it again.. my elbow got caught, and I did another faceplant.. this time I'm surprised I didn't break my nose or something.. more iced peas.. the following night I returned home to find that my house had been broken into.. the police think it was kids looking for some quick cash, they went straight for the bedroom, and they did a number on it... lost some money and some jewelry.. mostly of sentimental value.. (like 4 of the 5 rings I made in February... and they got the "breakup earrings") My new beau was very good through all this.. he helped me clean up the glass cover the broken window, and change the locks, and has told me I'm not allowed to climb any trees, ride any motorcycles or horses....We had a really great time together at my office Christmas Party, which was on the 12th a Friday, that Sunday, I learned my father had passed away.... that party seems like an eternity ago now.. he was really good then too though, he came and got me out of the house and tried to cheer me up.. took me shopping at Target, and to dinner, we watched a DVD and before he left he asked if I were going to be all right that night, and that I should call him if I needed him, that he didn't mind..

Most of my cousins made it in for the Funeral, so that was a good thing.. seeing everyone together at once..something that will be even more rare in the future. The funeral was nice, as was the internment. We all went to dinner together and several of us had breakfast together the following morning as well. I stayed through the rest of the weekend and got to see some friends in addition to taking care of some stuff.

I think I'd be a lot more upset if I hadn't gone through all the other crap that has happened this year. I'm either worn out cried out and numb, or all the crap made me stronger to be able to deal with this or some combination there of.. I do know that new Beau has been a great help to me, and he keeps passing these "tests" and if he can deal with me like this.. in good times, it should be smooth sailing.. but I would like some time to test that theory.. but the cloudy head from the summer is gone, the intense emotional roller coaster is as well... I hope that is a sign of healing for sure.. and while there are no guarantees that next year won't be crap filled as well, it would appear I'm better equipped to deal with it now..

Happy Holidays everyone and have an especially Fabulous New Year.. I know I'm going to try...

Let it Be...

Sometimes you just have to quit fighting things, and just let them happen... you might be pleasantly surprised..... :D


more on this to come...

Floating Along...

I'm still here.. I'm a mess still and I keep wondering when that is going to improve.. then I realize it has improved.. I'm in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago, 4 months ago, and even 2 months ago.. heck, I'm better than I was two weeks ago.... But I'm still a mess... My head is clearer my focus is better (and not just because of new contacts/glasses) and I'm feeling a lot better about things and myself.. but I'm not as clear and focused as I should be normally... time and patience I guess...I'm not crying every day anymore.. and the emotional roller coaster is slowing and less intense. I'm happier more of the time, and able to talk about certain things now without tearing up or having that all too common this spring/summer searing knife feeling in my chest..

The show was very good for me.. the cast bonded well, and were a great support net for each other, which I really needed. And my character gave me a lot of confidence in areas that were needed as well. AND being around people was a tremendous help. I have my weakest moments when I'm home alone and lonely.. I don't miss the EX. I do miss having someone here, especially someone to help me with stuff. (Which the EX wasn't always so good at, but he did help out with stuff) I get overwhelmed with things I need to do, but that could be the lack of focus coming into play, and just general weakness from the whole ordeal. I need a vacation.



Photo of the Cast of The Art of Dining. I'm in the Eggplant and Black dress.

I've really been in the mood to dance... I'm not talking going out to a club and dancing.. I'm meaning in someone's arms.. you know the romantic kind like in the old movies.. (that isn't missing the EX talking either, because he never did this kind of stuff..).. I'm feeling starved for romance..(part of this might be coming from me wearing dresses everyday since sometime during the summer, but they help me feel better too.) I "won" tickets to a Michael Buble concert coming up soon, and maybe that will help cure then yen for dancing.. or at least subdue it some. I'm not the biggest Buble fan, but do like that style of music. {****Edited because a girl has a right to change her mind****} if the concert doesn't help, the annual arts ball is rapidly approaching... I'm very much looking forward to it this year.. I'll be able to stay and dance there, which I haven't been able to do in years past due to said EX. AND I have a VERY CUTE DRESS for this year's event.

I'm confidant the healing will continue, and maybe I'll be able to get on with everything with new focus and new perspective soon.. even more than I've already found.

I love you, my friends... Thanks for being there.

the world's a stage...

It's amazing what the theatre can do... I've been particularly blue the last week or so, residue from the crap that has been going on all Spring.. And tonight I went to the theatre to consider auditioning for a play. It is a show I'd wanted to do, but after everything that has been going on, I wasn't sure I wanted to or was ready, so I went in thinking I'd observe, and decide and audition tomorrow if I decided that way.. I got there, before auditions started, walked out on the stage, and was upset for a brief moment.. Went to the rest room to collect myself for a moment, and returned to the house, as the others arrived. I filled out the form, and gave it a whorl.. The moment I set foot on the stage for the first read, everything melted away.. I've had this happen many times before.. Arriving to rehearsal and the stresses of the day disappearing.. It is actually part of why I do theatre, it is part of what caused me to reassess my relationship this Spring... But I really didn't expect it to calm and recenter me as much as it seems to have done tonight.. My mind feels clearer, my focus seems to be a bit more there, and I'm not feeling as wound up as I have been of late. I don't know that I had the best audition that I've ever had, but I don't know that that matters, I was relaxed, and did what I know to do.. And just got through it even the reads they wanted us to do cold... It felt good. It felt natural, and I feel more centered than I have in ages..so in some ways it was probably a very good audition.. I hope this calm is a sign of healing, and will still feel this way tomorrow... emotions have been raw of late, I'm doing well, but I've definitely been aware of the invisible contusions from the last several months... My friend Catherine was pushing me to go to auditions thinking it would be good for me, like getting back on the horse once you've fallen off.. I'm glad she did. I love my theatre family, they're wonderful, and feeling even better is fantastic...

Now I'm listening to the Cure, who I haven't listened to for ages, and that seems to be helping as well. Ahhhh it is good to be getting back to me...

Men Behaving Badly

So yeah... there's this guy you see... and as he's moving his stuff out of his ex'x house... he tells her he's engaged.... no joke.. this actually happened.....

Butterfly.. But some days are better than others.

In May, I ended a 14 year relationship. It was time. We still love each other and probably always will given the time and history involved.. We just weren't IN love anymore. That and there were other problems. In some ways, maybe it shouldn't ever have gotten off the ground, but it did, and I don't have regrets about it. He never really "swept me off my feet" as the saying goes, and I guess I had convinced myself that that was a Hollywood/fairytale convention and didn't really exist... But I saw the looks friends and relatives gave each other on their wedding days.. And I didn't have that.. I knew I didn't have it, but thought there were other things about the relationship that made it good.. Was I "settling"? Perhaps. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, he loved me, and continues to love me but not fully in ways that I needed. We both have our issues and from that were not as good of a match as we could have been.

During the time we were rehearsing for the show earlier this year (seems like ancient history now), I started seeing parts of myself I hadn't seen for YEARS. Decades almost. Feelings, and things about me.. And I wondered where they had been, since I'd forgotten or hadn't really noticed they had left. Basically, I was realizing I was unhappy, but hadn't really known that I wasn't happy. I was stagnant and complaisant.. I started to realize that there was probably more out there for me...

I was torn, tormented by these feelings. I had a 14 year relationship to assess. WAY longer than a lot of marriages these days... I sill loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I needed to do what was best for me. I spent a good two months trying to get my head around it. The rollercoaster that was my emotional state was overwhelming at times. I did a lot of avoiding him, not knowing what to say, since I wasn't ready to discuss it, and needed to have a "plan" in case he walked out the day it was addressed. Financials were probably the scariest part. Can I make it on my own financially?

In the end, it got brought to light by a present he brought me. He was never a present for no reason sort of guy. I didn't mind that, but this out of character gift at this moment kinda put me over the edge. See he knew something was up because of the way I'd been acting, but didn't fully know what, hoping it wasn't him, but thinking it probably was... In essence he'd had time to prepare. (Since it wasn't the total shock to him that I was preparing for..) Anyway, it started the discussion, that ultimately a week later brought on the break.

We're still friends, right now we're still roommates (although he is on the couch now) there is some awkwardness since post-breakup he has already started seeing one of my "friends." (that is another story which I'm not going to broach here.. It isn't messy, it has helped me move on.. But I don't want to deal with her right now.) We have an estimated date for him to move and that is where most things stand right now.

I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon..and that I've been living under a rock for who knows how long.... This event has totally brought to light my flaws, and things I need to work on about myself, I'm a perfectionist, I hold myself to an impossibly high standard, and from that, I beat up on myself mentally. I realize that now. So I was probably not the easiest person to live with given his own personal baggage and issues. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to discover how I got to this point, and trying to find some confidence and self-worth.. Especially for this scary next phase I'm going into. And how to live and deal with it. Basically I REALLY want to get healthy for the next chapter for me. SO I can have a healthy foundation for the next relationship, whenever that may arise.

I have learned a lot over the last month or so.. A lot about me, a lot obout WHO my friends are, and that I have lots of friends and that by and large, People do like me.. People like me in ways I had no idea about. Some of them have been extraordinary in helping me get to where I am now. I'm far from healed, but am worlds better than I was even two weeks ago. And with that, I'm kinda finding out about myself in the process, and that I am worthwhile. And for that I'm quite thankful.

Some of the things various people have told me about myself or how they perceive me include: (and these are all from different people)

Gorgeous!
Warm
Warm Spirited (two people)
Classy Bitch (have to understand the symmentics of this one.. He means bitch in the woman sense, not in the Bitchy sense..)
A Lady (this was meant not just as a name for a woman.)
Smart
Funny
Creative

The last three I knew but it was nice to hear.. The others though.. Some of them threw me for a loop, (Gorgeous???!?!?!) but have helped me get to a better place... That yes there are people who care about me.. I've had several people give me "mom" advice.. (even had one give me a condom lecture for when I do start dating again.. LOL) and I've started to believe some of it for myself... Even that I can be and am gorgeous.. So this butterfly is emerging for the next phase not without bumps in the road still.. But we're getting there..